Interrogate Draco to help him escape from his doom
by Elanor Odd Socks
Summary: With a funny plot! Slytherin's git has been kidnapped by a puff of smoke. If he gets 100 question to answer, he goes back to Hogwarts, if he doesn't he... has to put up with me- Elanor. NEW: Meet the Crumple Cheese Eater Mouse!!!
1. Chapter 1: A little walk never hurts any...

Author's notes: It's been done so many times that I am quite dizzy now but who cares, here's Slytherin's evil hot guy, Draco Malfoy.

Draco's notes: Save me from this vile and evil and stubborn and stupid and idiotic and repetitive muggle. My life is in your hands.

Disclaimer: J.K.Rowling's. In other words- not mine!

Chapter 1: A little walk never hurts anyone

~*~

It just so happened that one day, Draco decided that he was really bored and had nothing to do. For another thing, Pansy Parkinson was really bothering him, sending him flowers, kissy lip signs and etc.

So, as usual, Slytherin's most drooled-over-going-to-be-evil guy decided to take a walk around the school and insult anyone who got in his way. This was actually going to be quite a challenge for Draco because Crabbe and Goyle always hanged around him like sticky glue. So, Draco faked that he was stuck in the toilet and while the two goons ran to get Professor Snape's help, he slipped away.

"Crabbe and Goyle possibly can't get more stupider," Draco thought to himself, "Glad I got rid of them."

That was when a puff of smoke appeared, taking Draco with it to another world.

In fact, it took him to a office littered with my fan fiction stories. There is a brief moment as advertisements of Elanor's stories magically pass through the reader's eyes. 

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Who are you? I'll get my father! Ahhhhhhhh!"

That was Dracokins shouting and screaming by the way.

"Stop calling me Dracokins!"

"Okay Draco honey with sugar on the top."

"My name is DRACO LUCIUS MALFOY!!!"

"Hey, no need to act touchy."

At this point, Draco starts to go red in the face with anger while Elanor (me) decides to hide under a desk until he calms down a bit.

"KILL POTTER FREAK!"

"DIE MUGGLES AND MUDBLOODS."

"AVADA KEDVAR!!!"

"CRUCIO!!!"

Elanor is suddenly very confused. 

"Was that French, Draco?"

"What's AVADA KEDVAR? French for how do you do?"

Elanor looks in horror as Draco suddenly faints from shock and frustration because Elanor is such a dumb muggle, even for a non-blonde muggle.

"Oh well, everyone, I am Elanor and for now, Draco will be answering any questions you ask... well if he hasn't died of a heart attack yet that is."

Draco suddenly sits up in shock.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh," Elanor yells, "Draco is back from the dead! No, I am innocent! I didn't kill you. Ahhhhh! Hamlet, Hamlet I see thy apparition of Draco before me. It cries out for revenge. Ahhhhhh!"

"Please kindly be quiet muggle. I know all about this. Potter, Granger and Weasley have all been kidnapped before by other crazy lunatics like you and made to answer weird questions."

"No, the ghost of Dracokins knows the truth. Ahhhhh! Thy knowest I can not hide from thou!" 

Clearly Elanor is in a deep state of shock.

Draco splashes a pile of slime on Elanor and Elanor immediately goes back to normal.

"Listen up stupid ignorant muggle, I'll answer 100 questions for you and you let me go!"

Elanor looks in shock and dumbly nods. "So I don't have to torture you to get you to reply to all my reviews and questions?"

"Stupid muggle, did you hear what I just said? 100 replies and I am out of here."

"Okay Dracokins," Elanor sits up and smiles.

"Stop calling me Dracokins," Draco growls.

"You are so cute and evil when you growl, Dracokins."

Draco faints again.

Meanwhile Elanor begins talking to the readers, "So readers, you have to ask Draco 100 questions to save him. Otherwise he is doomed, I tell you. Doomed."

Elanor starts musing if she should dye Draco's hair red to get him to stop torturing poor Ron who is desperately in love with Hermione even though he does not want to admit it.

A voice crying "Save me!" is heard in the background.

"It's just the HuffleWump from Winnie the Pooh." Says Elanor looking very evil.


	2. Chapter 2: Review 1

Authors notes: Let the second day of torturing Dracokins begin. Hehehehe. 

Draco's notes: Noooooo! Please everyone, you must help me escape. I promise not to call you a mudblood for one day if you review.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Not Draco's, but J. K. Rowling's.

Chapter 2: Review 1

~*~

The next day arrives for poor Dracokins who is not used to the muggle world.

"Stop calling me that, stupid- dumb- not- blonde- but- still- dumber muggle."

"How dare you!" Elanor gets very angry at the fact that she does not look like a Mary Sue with long golden locks waist length with aqua-what-ever bright big shiny eyes.

"What's a Mary Sue, stupid- dumb- not- blonde- but- still- dumber muggle?" Draco asks, looking confused.

"For one thing," Elanor starts wondering whether to feed Draco to her pet Garfield, "call me Elanor and I'll stop calling you Dracokins."

"Deal," Draco smugly replies back.

"Grrrrrr..." Elanor is positively fuming that the cloud had to kidnapped a snobby jerk and a Slytherin.

"Why didn't you get Ronnie for me, cloud?" Elanor desperately thinks.

"So you have a crush on the dirty faced Weasel do you," sneers Draco apparently able to read minds.

"HOW DARE YOU CALL RONNIE DARLING A DIRTY FACED WEASEL!!!"

Draco just raises his eyebrows calmly despite the fact that Elanor has turned into an furious dragon.

"And for your information, no I do not have a crush lasting over 1 and three quarters of a decade on darling dear Ronnie with the cutest red hair." As you can see, Elanor is not good at denying things.

"Yeah right, you couldn't fool a flobberworm." Draco sarcastically taunts.

"Bet a flobber- whatever- you-call- it could tear up all your questions and make you stay here with me forever," Elanor replies with a positively evil glint in her eye.

Draco loses his calm evil Slytherin look... well okay... he lost it just for one second.

"Don't you dare muggle, insolent muggle." Draco calmly replies.

"Even Tom Riddle would have been better than you. Why am I stuck with a smarty pants Slytherin? Oh Why?" Elanor bangs her head on the wall in frustration.

Bang

"Tom."

Bang 

"Riddle."

Bang

"Ouch! My poor head."

"My poor crazy Elanor," Draco mutters. 

Elanor forgets about her head in an instant.

"How dare you! As I was about to say, even Tom Riddle is cuter than you."

"What!" Draco exclaims, getting positively worried.

"That is not possible, I am the hottest, most richest and most wanted boy in the whole wide world and Potter is ugly."

"Potter is every girls dream actually. You wouldn't know. You're not a girl."

Elanor has become a very good liar all of a sudden. Potter is actually not every girl's dream, just 99.99999999% percent of theirs.

A letter suddenly flutters out.

"What's that?" Draco asks, "Another stupid useless muggle invention?"

"No, it's your first review." Elanor reluctantly hand Draco his letter.

"YES! 99 MORE TO GO! MUHAHAHA!!!"

The first letter:

~*~

Hey Draco!!  
  
I'm a fourth year Ravenclaw, Candy. I have a crazy roommate who will not leave me alone!!  
  
HELP!!!  
  
How can I get Percy Weasley to get to like me?  
  
Candy  
  
P.S I'm Tom Riddle's cousin.

~*~

Draco's reply:

~*~

Dear Candy (shudders at the name)

You are an imposter. Ha ha! All death eaters know all our Master's relations down to his third cousin twice removed's stepfather's nephew. So there you go imposter. For one moment, I thought that my prayers (if I had any) had been answered and that Master was coming to rescue me but you Ravenclaw had to let my hopes down.

And besides, Riddles are not named Candy or any other sweet sugary names (shudder shudder).

Just because you are in Ravenclaw doesn't mean you can fool me. (Sticks tongue out at letter)

I am the best person and pureblood in the whole wide world. 

May I ask if you are a mudblood or simply a Riddle wannabe?

If you are a Riddle wannabe, just join our dark legions FOR YOUR MIND'S SAKE!!!

Oh yes, where was I, these muggle pencils are just useless compare to my 50 galleon each golden quill.

If you have a room mate that is bugging you, just kill him/ her and then frame your neighbour's cat. It always works for me. (Muhahahaha) Or just tell the person that you have a problem with him/ her and try to work things out. If things don't work out, some unforgivable curses are very useful to learn right now.

Muhahahahaha.

As for that Weatherby dirty faced Weasel, please let me recommend you to the nearest hospital to get your head checked.

Yours evilly and hatefully,

Draco Malfoy the owner-to-be of the Malfoy mansion and a large and wealthy inheritance, so there!

~*~

No sooner had Draco finished this letter, Elanor starts trying to punch him in the face.

"Ahhh, I hate you Draco. The Weasley's are not dirty faced and they are the best and you are not and you shouldn't kill your roommates, just paralyse them for good! Everyone knows that!"

Unfortunately, Elanor does not realise that Draco fights back equally fierce.

"Well you Elanor, muggle head captured me in the first place."

"It was the cloud of smoke I tell you!"

And so goes the fight until both are two exhausted to do anything else except lie on the couch watching 'JAG' and eating a couple of mouldy chocolate frogs Elanor found in Draco's pocket.

Meanwhile, a cloud of smoke is sighing in the background.

"They always end up blaming me. I'm just a cloud of smoke!"


	3. Chapter 3: Reviews 2 to 6

Author's notes: I am not crazy, simply in love with Riddle. 

Draco's notes: Shudder, I hate watching 'JAG'. Shudder, please, I need those 94 questions!

Disclaimer: This is J.K.Rowling's so don't sue me.

Chapter 3: Reviews 2 to 6

"Why does everyone hate me?" Elanor gets very moody after secretly reading Draco's letters and questions.

"Because you are a dumb and scary muggle."

"Well at least I'm not an evil person with a lame name like 'Death Eater'." Elanor retorts back, grinning to see Draco turn into an angry shade of purple.

"You really shouldn't, Draco, purple doesn't suit you at all. Try turning rainbow coloured, I'm sure that would be much cuter."

I think Draco has actually died.

No wait, he merely collapsed.

Elanor shrugs and drags Draco up again. 

"Draco, you have letters to reply. Didn't you want to get rescued?"

Draco gets up quickly like a zombie and rushes to his 4 new letters. Elanor gives a nasty grin.

"Hope you like them Draco. Hahahaha."

"They'll be much better than you at least." Draco retorts with another sneer.

Elanor wonders if it is best to kill Draco or to paralyse him for life as a flobberworm.

~*~

Dear Draco,  
I think you're one of the most interesting people I've ever heard of! Once you get away from Elanor *shudder* would you meet me at the Three Broomsticks?  
  
Medrelina, 3rd Year Gryffindor  
  
P.S. I promise Potter and Weasley won't be with me when I meet you.

~*~

"Ahhhhhhhhh!"

"Draco, are you okay?"

"Ahhhhhh."

"Look Draco, you have to answer it."

Draco grumbles and picks up his 50 galleon pure gold quill which mysterious arrived.

~*~

Dear Pathetic excuse for a wizard/witch.

Gryffindor suxs and everyone knows I only date Slytherins. 

If you like me (shudder), you should have been sorted into Slytherin.

THAT MEANS WE ARE NOT MEANT TO BE.

I HATE POTTER AND WEASLEY AND GRANGER!!!

Yours hope-Gryffindor-dies sincerely,

Malfoy.

P.S: If you kill all your Gryffindor (another violent shudder) friends or hand them over to the dark lord, and get expelled... I might think about it.

~*~

"Well that wasn't very nice." Elanor exclaims.

"I'm not nice." Draco sneers back. "Besides, a third year Gryffindor?" Draco makes choking and vomiting noises.

"Stop paying out Gryffindor, Weasleys all rock." Elanor argues back.

Draco ignores Elanor who starts pulling her hair out in frustration.

"OUCH!"

~*~

hello there draco, your evilness,   
  
what do you think of al the fanfictions that imple, ok, state very definately that you are a) not so bad b) really into wearing leather/dragonhide and c) secretly love potter??  
  
just wondering!  
  
p.s, my granny could hex someone better than you could!  
  
crazy elanors right you know, youre so cute when youre mad! harharharharrrrr  
  
p.p.s. do you like pickled onions?

~*~

"This is going to be one long letter." Mutters Elanor as she sees Draco scribbling furiously. "Oh well, at least he looks cute when he writes."

Draco stops for one second to give Elanor a Death Eaters glare.

~*~

Dear are you sure you are not mental,

Some very insulting questions were put to me and I want to answer them right now and stop all these horrible lame rumours. 

I hate fan fictions except those where Potter dies of a terrible death and I rule the world and am married to a perfect and evil and beautiful girl. So, onto your questions.

A) You have a terrible spelling and grammar problem. Please learn to correct it.

B)I am Bad. I am very Bad. BAD BOY FOR LIFE. Muhahahaha. I hate those fictions where I turn into a butter could melt softie and be friend with Potter and all that vile stuff. Those Fan Fictions scare me and are horrible. Stop them. I'm evil. I am not good. I DO NOT LIKE POTTER IN ANY WAY. What would Father and Master think when they sees them. If they did, I would die a very horrible death.

C) Dragonhide? Leather? Is everyone on this Earth as crazy as Elanor?

I wear very expensive and tailor made green and silver robes, thank you very much. Leather? Dragonhide? What is this world coming to.

D) POTTER IS FOUL. POTTER IS STUPID. POTTER REALLY STINKS. POTTER MUST DIE. POTTER IS A POT HEAD. POTTER SHOULD STICK HIS HEAD IN THE LOO. I hope that answers you last foul and crazy question. Please let me tell you, there are many good mental institutions in the world which would gladly take you in.

E)I challenge your grandmother to a death duel the minute I get out of Hogwarts.

D) You are as crazy as Elanor. 

F) I do not like pickled onions. Well, I like those expensive rare pickled onions which dirty faced Weasels would never be able to afford.

Yours, please go and check your head,

Draco.

P.S: Are you related to this crazy muggle Elanor by any chance. Both of you are insane.

~*~

"Why does everyone think I am crazy?" Elanor asks Draco after reading his letter.

"You are... How dare you read my replies Elanor?"

"All the better to know you, my Draco. I didn't know you had a crush on Potter."

"I DO NOT. CRUCIO!"

Elanor dodges a jet of black light.

"Okay, calm down Draco, you have more letters to reply to."

Draco mumbles some indistinct words.

~*~

Draco! Darling!  
If you know all of dear old Voldie's relations all the way to his "third cousin twice removed's stepfather's nephew", what if I told you I'm his fourth cousin thrice removed stepmother's niece's second cousin? Would you just laugh and call me a stupid Muggle, a Ravenclaw wannabe, or a frelling liar? I'm leaning towards the second one.  
  
Oh, by the way, you ARE hotter than Potter.  
  
Luv, Hugs, and Nuclear Warheads,  
anna

~*~

Dear anna with no capital in front of her name,

I am afraid to disappoint you but my mother's sister is the Dark Lord's fourth cousin thrice removed stepmother's niece's second cousin. It was a very convincing try as it did get my head working trying to think who the person was. Unfortunately, the Dark Lord's relatives are my strongest subject. Pity it's not taught in Hogwarts, bet Granger mudblood would not know one single answer.

So there stupid muggle, Ravenclaw wannabe and frelling (Draco is confused by this word and forces Elanor to check it in the dictionary, but to no avail) liar.

I have bad news for you, the dark legions do not like imposters or wannabes.

Wait, you think I'm hotter than Potter. 

HAHAHA! I KNEW IT! THERE YOU GO ELANOR!!!

I RULE! I RULE! I RULE!

Oh yes, where was I? I will write you a recommendation to the dark legion as soon as I get out.

What are Nuclear Warheads? A muggle candy?

Draco, who is hotter than Potter.

~*~

"You are not hotter than Potter," Elanor simple says.

"Oh yeah," Draco gives a smug smile, "I have proof right here in your eyes."

"That's just 0.00000001 percent of the female population who thinks you are hotter." Elanor tries to give an equally smug smile but fails when she sees Draco's pale face as he reads his next letter.

"Draco, what's wrong?"

~*~

Draco! How dare you insult me on the web! I was just wondering how you are! I miss you so much! I cry over your mysterious disappearance everyday! I must go, with love Pansy.

~*~

Dear Pansy,

I am er... visiting our Dark Lord's fourth cousin thrice removed stepmother's niece's second cousin. Yes, that's all. I'll be back next year when I arrive with my fiancee ("Quick, think of some one pretty for me," Draco whispers helplessly. "Okay, what about Mary Sue." Elanor says at the top of her head.) Mary Sue.

She is er... ("Pretty," Elanor whispers) pretty and wonderful and stunning and evil and this is love and I am sorry to say I do not like you anymore and I am going to prepose ("Are you sure that's the word? I thought it was propose," Draco whispers to Elanor) to this Mary Sue. So bye.

Mr. Malfoy.

You will be invited to our wedding.

~*~

"Hahaha," for once in the whole of History, Elanor and Draco laugh evilly together.

"We tricked Pansy. I knew I was always so evil and smart." Draco and Elanor give each other a high five.

"Hey it was my idea!" Elanor exclaims.

"So, I just can't wait to see Pansy's face when I get back and arrive with my lovely ..."

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." Elanor and Draco give a scream at the same time. 

"What have we done Draco? What are you going to do when you get back?"

~*~

How are you? I just wanted to know why you are putting up with that *itch Elanor? I would just curse her. Or hex her, whitchever is more convientiant at the time. Bye the way, you cant deny that you know me, cause you know Im a fifth year Slytherin. You know that very well. And I also want to say, that Crabbe and Goyle are annoying the heck out of me, and the second you get back here, you are helping me hex them. I cursed Goyle yesterday. Also I asked the Dark Lord yesterday, why he had not gone to get you yet. He proptly responded that he didn't care, he was to busy taking over the world. I also got punished for asking him and had to endure the pain of the crusitous curse. (thats probably spelled wrong) He also lectured me about how low we are on his list of supporters due to our extreme youth and said he wouldn't care about you untill you got older. You know owe me.

~*~

Dear Aylena,

Nice to meet you again fellow Slytherin. During the next meeting, please inform the Dark Lord that I will try to get back as soon as possible. 

Take an ageing potion with you to the next meeting.

Do not dare to touch Crabbe and Goyle. They may be goons but they always help me to squash Potter and his two friends.

The dark lord is very tired and busy. It is your fault you asked him first.

I cannot curse Elanor right now because I am in trouble with Pansy. (Cough Cough).

I will try to but maybe if she dies, I will stay here forever. 

I do not know how I put up with her, my blood pressure is getting very high.

Yours sincerely and evilly,

Draco Malfoy, your fellow death eater.

~*~

"Lets think about how to deal with Pansy later Draco." Elanor yawns.

Draco is reading a book called 'To kill a Mocking Elanor'.


	4. Chapter 4: Mary Sue and Reviews 7 to 9

Author's notes: To the question of Mary Sues and our plan to save Draco.

Draco's note: And also the murder of Elanor after I am saved.

Disclaimer: Why does everyone hate me? I'm only doing my job. You know that all this really belongs to J.K. Rowling.

Chapter 4: Mary Sue and Reviews 7 to 9

So after that episode with Pansy's letter, Draco and Elanor are very worried.

"It's all your fault Draco. Honestly, as if you reply to her letter that you are going to be married. How thick can you get?" Elanor exclaims, wondering how to get Draco out of this mess.

"Evidently not as thick as you Elanor."

Grrrr.... Maybe Draco can sort everything out himself if he's so stuck up.

"Actually, I was being annoying so that you would killed by me, Elanor."

"What? Huh?" Elanor is very confused that someone being annoying could actually kill her.

"It's in here, this book. It says the first rule to kill a Mocking Elanor is to act smart farty." Draco waves the book he had been reading before in the air. "Luckily, I'm so smart that I don't have to act."

"DO YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU OR NOT?" Elanor shouts. "OR DO YOU PREFER TO MARRY PANSY PARKINSON."

Draco turns pale at the mention of Pansy and the letter he wrote to her last time. "So, when I get out of here, after about 91 letters, I have to find someone to pretend to be my fiancee."

"Don't worry about that, millions of girls want to marry you anyway. All we do is put up a advertisement in the classified section of a muggle newspaper and that should do the trick."

"Mudblood newspaper? No way," Draco turns his nose in the air.

"Well then what?" Elanor asks in frustration. After 10 seconds, she gets a brilliant idea.

"We can ask the cloud of smoke to write an evil Mary Sue into the story for you when you get back!"

"What's a Mary Sue?" Draco really wants to know this.

Elanor wonders how to describe a Mary Sue without taking a page and a half of description..

"Mary Sue is an stunning beautiful thin girl with dark brown hair and enchanting eyes and has a dark dark secret to turn Hogwarts upside down, can duel better than old Voldie, is best friends with everyone, very smart, has a pet that can talk, automatically learn Gryffindor's secrets, can turn herself into a unicorn and a pureblood and is very nice and sweet and lives happily ever after. The End." Elanor mutters all this in one breath.

Draco's eyes lights up automatically and gives a cold sneer. "Done deal. Let's get the cloud to write me a Mary Sue to pretend to be a wife."

"Don't forget that millions of girls in this world are going to be very disappointed." Elanor warn Draco.

Draco ignores Elanor completely as his 6th and 7th and 9th letters come flying to him.

"All right, 92 more to go before I can get rid of you. Muhahahaha!"

~*~

Draco,  
I regret to inform you that due to the fact Goyle and Crabbe were acting stupider then usual (I swear they wouldn't know a good comeback if it came and bit them in the ass.) They both have been Hexed, and locked in an abandaoned room. Now if I understand this git muggle right, you have to answer questions to get out of there.  
1. Why did you take Pansey to the ball? personally I think you could have done better.  
2. Are you going to be able to make it for the start of the Quidditch season?  
Morrigan  
P.S I'm sending a book about crazy writers and how to deal with them along with this letter. You might be able to use it, I stoled it from Potter when I was booby trapping his trunk (I also got a free invisible cloak from scarface.)

~*~

Dear Morrigan,

I command you to leave my henchmen along. They have a mission to fulfil for the Dark Lord, mainly to kick Potter and Granger and Weasel's behinds. Goyle and Crabbe may be stupid but they know how to bash Gryffindors up. Sometimes I think that is their only purpose for living.

As for your questions:

Father expected me and I was pressure to take Pansy to the Yule Ball. Besides, can you suggest anyone better from Slytherin. The ball was incredibly boring due to Pansy clinging on to my arm. However, both our parents are rich and evil and Father forced me to go with Pansy. The Dark Lord suggested it too. 

Quidditch is my life and I am the best at it. Of course Hogwarts will wait until their best player arrives back to start the season. I am going to win the quidditch cup this year and if I don't, I'll kill Elanor to vent my anger. Muhahahaha.

Yours evilly,

The best quidditch seeker in the world,

Draco Malfoy.

P.S: I do not give out signatures to my quidditch fans. Thank you but I think the book "To kill a Mocking Elanor" is enough. It is very to the point. WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN POT HEAD'S TRUNK?!!?

~*~

"Yeah right," Elanor makes vomiting noises, "Potter is the best seeker and for your information, you will be back in time for the quidditch season so I can see Potter beat you."

"Was that just a death wish Elanor?" Draco growls in anger.

Elanor gulps and decides to shut up for a while.

~*~

Draco,  
I WAS NOT ASKING, REPEAT, NOT ASKING TO GO OUT WITH YOU. You're an interesting guy, and all I wanted to do was to meet you to see what you're like. By the way, I pity you for having to put up with Elanor *shudders*.  
  
Medrelina Viqiuna Ravhelinus  
  
A.K.A Medrelina the Weird

~*~

Dear Medrelina the very weird,

I said no and I say nay again. Glad you think I am interesting though. However if I mistook your intentions, I still refuse.

My Slytherin reputation will go down if I even think of meeting a Gryffindor.

I thank you for your pity that I have to stand this insane Elanor. 

But I don't need your pity.

If you want to know what I like, let me tell you:

I am the best. I am rich. I am cool. I hate Potter and Gryffindor. Everyone loves me.

Enough for you?

Yours hatefully,

Malfoy the Anti- Gryffindor.

~*~

Draco,  
Are you insane? Try to fool the Dark Lord with an ageing potion? Not only is that insane, it's a death wish. Plus, due to my Fathers extreme loyalty, the Dark Lord already knows my age. In fact, he said he is thankfull that the younger generations of Slytherin's havn't been corupted by that crackhead fool, Dumbledore. Don't worry, Crabbe and Goyle are fine, though I might add, Stephen's making quite sure they don't hang with us untill your return. Also, I though you would be pleased to know that Stephen got a detention for dueling with Potter. He won with flying colors and Potter's been in the hospital wing for a week. That awfull mudblood Granger is driving me INSANE! I WILL hex her if she dosen't back off soon. Also you can tell Elanor that Weasel is an ugly git who doesn't deserve to live! He tryed to change his book bag pink in Potions, and missed his target. Instead he hit my beutiful, long, black hair! Thankfully, Snape had a counter potion at his desk. I don't think the others will ever let me live it down. I will see you soon.  
Aylena  
your fellow death eater

~*~

Dear Aylena,

I am not insane. It was your fault for asking the Dark Lord anything. We are too young and powerless to talk to him yet, I suggested the ageing potion to see if you would use it and get into even more trouble. Ha! Ha!

As for death wishes, they have nothing to do with me. If you want to survive and gain power, keep quiet when you are in meetings with the Dark Lord.

I suggest that you remain strictly loyal to the Dark Lord like me. 

As for the fool Dumbledore, he will be defeated. I can't stand mudblood lovers. Why he let Granger into Hogwarts remain a mystery.

Glad you left Crabbe and Goyle alone, or I would have told Father. Just let the dumb pair hang around by themselves.

Stephen, tell him I congratulate him. However I am severely disappointed that he did not kill Pot head on the spot. He still should have left everything to me. When I get back, there won't be a Potter anymore. Do me a favour and poison Potter's medicine in the hospital wing if you can.

Granger is very annoying. I hate that foul mudblood and know-it-all. Try to kill her if possible. I wonder if there's another King snake in the Secret Chamber for you to "accidentally" set loose...

Dirty-faced Weasel is just stupid. You should have hexed him back. Professor Snape wouldn't have minded. What was Dirty-faced Weasel doing with PINK anyway? How pathetic.

Yours evilly,

Draco your fellow death eater.

~*~

What Draco does not know is that Elanor is creeping behind him holding a frying pan to hit him in the head.

BANG!

Draco collapses.

"That's what you get for insulting Ronniekins."


	5. Chapter 5: Reviews 10 to 14

Author's notes: Oh, Today we are going to learn about how Draco contacts his dad.

Draco's note: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Disclaimer: You know that all this really belongs to J.K. Rowling.

Chapter 5 : Reviews 10 to 14

"I wish you never kidnapped me, muggle. This is so boring. You should have got pathetic little Potter to come here and sit and wait for 100 questions with his lovely scar and noble face."

Elanor suddenly has a very evil glint in her eyes and Draco wonders if he shouldn't have just said that.

"Since you're bored Draco," Elanor begins, "I'll make you read a book. Muhahahaha."

Draco's whole face turns whiter than his usual white. "Nooooooo, I hate muggle books."

"I haven't finished yet Draco. If you don't at least read one, I will tear up your letters."

"You won't dare to, mudblood!"

Elanor takes up a chunky edition of Pride and Prejudice and throws it at Draco. Unfortunately, Elanor has the worst aim in the world and ends up chucking the book against the wall."

"Hahaha, you broke your book Elanor, and by the way, you have the worst aim ever."

Elanor, just for once, actually ignores this insult as she is too busy crying over one of her favourite books, which has a dent in it. Elanor then gets up, holding the book preciously and points her finger at Draco. "I sue you for the third- rate attempted murder of Pride and Prejudice."

Draco looks at Elanor as if she has gone mad. "You can't sue me because there's no evidence and you are a muggle."

"You are a wizard and I'll tell the judge that and they'll put you in the loony bin."

"I thought this was the loony bin."

Elanor gives up on Draco. 

"You're annoying me Draco, go and answer your letters."

Meanwhile Elanor curls up and reads The Count of Monte Cristo. She gets so caught up with it that she is pretending to be Edmond Dantes. 

Mutterings of "insane lunatic Elanor on the loose" can be heard from Draco's corner.

~*~

Honestly, your very insulting at times. To think you even QUESTIONED my loyalty to the Dark Lord. Anyway, what would your Father have done if we didn't leave poor little Crabbe and Goyle alone? You really shouldn'y go running to you Father for everything. It dosen't do much for your image at school. By the way, Pansy told me to tell you that the Muggle Studies room just got a computer, and she read this whole story, with all its responses. I personaly doubt that she knows anything let alone how to read. Plus, Ive been to the Muggle studies room (I had to run an errand, I have not and will not ever take that class) And I saw no computer there. She didn't seem to know what she was talking about. Maybeone of her few friends clued her in. I dont know how you stand her. I can't. For your information I did hex the Weasel back after he cursed me. Its just that this is such a commen occurance I didn't want to bore you with the details. Must go.  
Aylena

~*~

Dear Aylena,

I find it a compliment that I am insulting. I questioned your loyalty due within reasonable foundations. You sound like you are bored of things. I advise you to sound more enthusiastic if you want what's good for you. 

As for Crabbe and Goyle, how many times have I told you to leave them alone? In fact, I will contact my father very soon about some pressing matters and you should watch out. I doubt that you would like another taste of the Crucio curse. 

My image is very well thank you. I know that you're just jealous. After all, my father is much more loyal to the Dark Lord than yours. 

As for Pansy, I don't think she has much friends. Besides, she already received my letter to her explaining that I will soon be engaged. She's so stupid she can't tell a lie from the real thing. All I do is to turn up with Mary Sue, pretend we are about to be married and then hopefully Pansy will ignore me for the rest of her lives. My plan is so good that I don't think she will ever find out.

As for dirty-faced Weasel, what did you mean by a common occurrence? Does Weasel curse you everyday. If that's the case, you should brush up on your duelling skills. I have absolutely no faith in them what so ever.

And as for hexing, you should targeting Pothead first, not his sidekick.

Will you ever learn? Please keep me informed about the next Death Eaters' meeting.

Draco Malfoy.

~*~

"And how is Dracokins going to contact his father?" Elanor sticks her tongue out. "Your house probably does not have a telephone. Besides, you probably won't know how to use one."

"I know how to use one and for your information, the Malfoy residence owns several solid gold studded with diamonds telephones. And I thought you were reading your book Elanor." Draco gives Elanor a death ray.

Elanor hurriedly goes back to her interesting book. She gets absorbed into all the vengeance that she starts play-acting in one corner. "I shall be a count. I shall be the count of Monte Cristo."

Draco shakes his head at Elanor's mad behaviour.

~*~

Draco,  
Since you don't seem to know what Booby traps are, I'll say this simply: I was setting up traps and time delayed curses in and on PotHead's trunk. (To bad no one has been able to time delay an avada kedavra, or I would have put one of them in the trunk as well.)  
As for Crabbe and Goyle, are you sure? I mean its kind of hard to let them out of the abandoned room when you just watched them play with their socks as puppets. Gotta go curse some Gryffindors.  
Morrigan

~*~

Dear Morrigan,

Have you thought it over in your head that cursing Pothead straight away is much more easier and works better? Booby traps? How pathetic, even first years won't use those. But I suppose not everyday can duel as great as I can.

I am positive about letting Crabbe and Goyle go. Why is everyone picking on them so much? You are to immediately set them free or face a Crucio curse from my Father. That is, after I contact him. As for them paying puppets with their socks, believe me, I have seen worse. Very worse. 

How many Gryffindors have you cursed already? Remember to leave them paralysed for life so you can have the pleasure of watching them suffer in their later lives.

Draco Malfoy.

~*~

"Fernand, of my hundred names I need only tell you one to overwhelm you! But you guess it now; do you not?-or rather you remember it? For notwithstanding all my sorrows and my tortures, I show you today a face which the happiness of my revenge makes young again- a face you must often have seen in your dreams since your marriage with Mercédès, my betrothed!" Elanor is acting out another scene from her book. 

"Edmond Dantes!" Elanor is now pretending to be fencing. 

"Would you mind keeping it quiet there Elanor?" Draco says.

Elanor stops in mid air dramatically, "Do you mind Mr. Evil guy, I'm reading here."

~*~

I'm back! Sooooooo....Do you have a girlfriend? Or at least have a crush on someone? If so, who are they?  
  
Medrelina Viqiuna Ravhelinus  
  
A.K.A. Medrelina the Weird  
  
P.S. Don't worry, I don't want to be your girlfriend.

~*~

Dear Medrelina the Weird, 

I was hoping you weren't going to be back. Oh well, life isn't always perfect. No I do not have a girlfriend, I have not met anyone who is as evil, rich and popular as I am. And a crush, sorry to say- No. Malfoys never have crushed on people. Crushes are what weak peace loving people have.

If there was someone who looked like an evil veela, I would ask them out. I have to say that Fleur Delacour looked positively stunning and I liked her for a long long time. Of course, I always have girls chasing after me (Shudder Pansy shudder shudder).

I am not worried about anything except that you might keep writing to me.

Yours hatefully still since you are in Gryffindor,

Draco Malfoy the Best.

~*~

"Yeah right. You forgot to put modest there with your other great qualities." Elanor mutters. 

However, Draco does not quiet hear this as he is busy reading his next letter with a blue face.

~*~

Dear Draco,  
  
I am Salazar Slytherin's FIRST (YES FIRST!!!) daughter (looking no more than a day over 16)  
  
i'm a vampire which totally explains for my wonderful aging. Voldy's looking for you. He says that you forgot about your duties to keep him informed about what going on with HP (the freak), and i'm looking for you cause you forgot that you promised to watch out for my friend Dawn (she's like a mary-sue but way cooler).  
  
Anyways...hurry back before i have permission to drink your blood,  
Gaz Destiny, the fair silver haired and eyed madin  
  
(Lady Gaz Destiny finacee to the one the only Dark Lord...and don't tell me i'm lying cause i'm not!!!!! and if you say i am i'll just kill the dark lord).

~*~

Dear Gaz Destiny,

The Dark Lord has already be informed of my absence and knows that I will get right back to my work the minute I am out. I thought that Aurors killed the last remaining vampire in 1497 AD with a stake at her heart. 

Salazar Slytherin was not a vampire so I presume that you were bitten.

Unfortunately, I always wear a Holy Cross pendant so you may never be able to drink my blood.

Sorry for everything but I am very busy now.

Yours, shudder shudder, 

Mr. Draco Malfoy 

~*~

  
  


"That was really scary," Elanor is somehow looking over Draco shoulder.

"I know."

Draco starts up on his last letter of the day. He looks at it, and immediately starts swearing and screaming. Unfortunately, due to ratings, we can only show one of the swear words, which is "bloody".

~*~

Hallo Draco the ferret!  
  
I'm a fellow student from Gryffindor and I just want to tell you some (at least for you) annoying news.  
Pansy has cried since she recieved your letter but she plans evil revenge. (Mary Sue! Run for it!) You've been warned!  
  
Snape gave detention to Crabbe and Goyle this morning because they spilled their potion on his new robe. Snape looked like he would explode anytime soon!   
I think it's the first time he gave detention to a Slytherin AND deducted 50 points from Slytherin. All Gryffindors (me included) laughed so hard about them!  
  
Oh, Harry's well again and trains for beating your miserable excuse of a Quidditch - Team!  
  
Bye, ferret boy!  
  
Yours,  
  
Felicia A.K.A Wolfy from Gryffindor  
  
P.S.: Die, Voldemort, die!

~*~

Dear Felicia,

100 points have been added to Slytherin for the brave actions of Draco Malfoy under crazy Elanor muggle captivation. I have made sure of that and Professor Snape agreed to it happily.

I do not care about Pansy crying. I invited her to my "supposed" wedding. What more does that girl want? And since when do you know about people in Slytherin? Knowing Gryffindors, you probably made it all up.

Pothead sucs and will be in the infirmitory very soon. Lets just say that special dementors will be paying a visit soon. Not to mention the fact that the Chamber will be reopened.

You suck. And did I tell you that you are really stuck- up?

We rule.

Please get that into your head.

A wolfy from Gryffindor? Please spare me.

Yours,

Get Lost.

~*~

"I need the phone now." Draco's hair falls limply across his face in anger. 

Elanor thinks Draco has gone insane too but hands him the phone. After five hours of "Please Father"and "Yes Father", Draco gets off the phone.

"And I thought I was bad with the phone. Now there's someone who talks longer than me," Elanor mutters.

Meanwhile, Draco has a triumphant gleam to his eye. "Everything is sorted. Muhahaha.


	6. Chapter 6 : Reviews 15 to 19 and the lon...

Author's notes: Oh look, so many things have happened since Elanor got back onto Fan Fiction...

Draco's note: I've been dying... it's mortal torture. Where's the killing curse when you need it? 

Disclaimer: You know that all this really belongs to J.K. Rowling... What do you mean that you don't?

Chapter 6 : Reviews 15 to 19 and the long awaited return

What looks like two normal people trying to kill each other from far away can look very different when we close up on them. For instance, we might find that the boy, Draco Malfoy, is in fact an ugly git with five noses and an incredible dribbling mouth...

"Hey, Elanor! How dare you!" Draco sneered. 

"Okay okay," Elanor grumbled and crossed out the sentence and started again in her diary.

For instance, we might find that the boy, Draco Malfoy likes sticking his head in the loo and flushing it with shampoo...

"Crucio!" Draco yells. "How dare you insult the Malfoy name and honour?"

Elanor ducks the scary light-saber thingy and hurries across the room to hide behind the sofa.

"It's a beam of light coming from my wand! Not a scary light-saber thingy! Idiot for a muggle." Draco yells yet again. 

"Fine then Draco!"

"Fine!"

"I'm not going to talk to you!"

"As if I want to muggle!"

"I want my Ronniekins!"

"Dirty-faced Weasel!"

"Ahhhhhh!!! I hate you." 

Elanor promptly forgets to not-talk-to-Draco anymore. She starts a cushion fight except that to her dismay, she has a bad aim and she also does not know how to block the fireballs coming out of Draco's wand.

"I think I'll eat a little ice-cream." Elanor says and starts on a chocolate fudge sundae! Unfortunately, Elanor does not know how to cook or make an ice-cream so she ended up munching on a slice of bread.

"Pathetic, Elanor. Sometimes I wonder why you are still alive."

"Sometimes I wonder why I didn't finish you off with that frying pan."

Draco instantly shuts up... and then opens his mouth again. "Finally we have chapter six under the way. You were so slow, ignorant Elanor."

"Huh?" Elanor asks with a piece of half chewed bread in her mouth.

"Why didn't you upload your chapters for a decade?" Draco yells out. "Do you realise how many deaths I was supposed to have been involved in? Do you realise, if it wasn't for you and your slowness, I would have killed the hoards of the incredibly dirty-faced Weasels by now?"

"Ronniekins?" Elanor squeaks. And then screams. "YOU WANTED TO KILL MY RONNIEKINS?" 

"No, I just wanted to give him one million galleons." Draco sneers more sarcastically. 

"Really?" Elanor's face beams up. She starts to rant about what Ronniekins could buy with one million galleons and what colour dress robes he would get. "Now navy blue, that would be a lovely colour to show off his nice tall figure. Maroon- ohh... sexy image, would definitely go with his hair. But black... growl..."

"I said I WAS BEING SARCASTIC ELANOR." 

Elanor looks blankly at Draco. "Sarcastic about what Draco? Anyway, as I was saying, now Red is the new colour for Yule! Imagine this- the red holly, the green holly and the red robes on the tall lean Ronniekins. And his red hair..."

Draco looks like he's dying on the corner. "Noooo! Dying... Weasel Mad Elanor ranting attack! Must need death eaters! Need own sanity."

Luckily, Draco is saved by the cloud. No, the cloud does not whisk Draco back to his evil little hole, it beings him his 15th review.

Draco gets the letter eagerly, reads it, and then dies of shock.

The End.

Or not.

Pansy Parkinson and all other Draco fans would not want that, now would we girls?

~*~

Hey Draco, I'm a Slytherin 7th year and I was just wondering if you were up for some obligation-free sex??

Also are you a virgin?  
Slytherin sex kitten

Jess

~*~

"Really," Elanor mutters, "I don't believe this letter! Doesn't this person know that we only answer NC-17 letters at midnight when the Fan Fiction staff is asleep?

Elanor goes back to Draco who has actually fainted from shock...even though he is muttering some very weird things in his sleep.

"Growl- kinky... Slytherin...mmmmmm..."

Elanor stares at Draco very weirdly. "He must have been reading too many NC-17 stories when I was eating." Elanor mutters to herself.

She stares at the letter in annoyance and takes out her half-eaten pencil (I told you Elanor was a pencil monster but no, you wouldn't believe me). She starts writing...

~*~

Dear Jess or the self proclaimed Slytherin Sex Kitten.

Unfortunately, it is not midnight when everyone writes their NC-17 stories so Fan Fiction doesn't find out. As a result, I cannot have Draco on a mad sex rampage with you. 

Also, this is a PG-13 stories as you are well aware and I do not want little kiddies reading this and budging their eyes out.

Also, Draco does not want any sex because he is unfortunately nearly on his deathbed due to you letter...

I regret to inform you that I do not know....

~*~

Draco suddenly wakes up back from the dead and grabs his own quill and starts finishing Elanor's letter.

Elanor meanwhile is screaming that Draco has come back alive...again!

Ah, the wonders of the three-lettered-word and what it can do to our Dracokins.

"Oi!" Draco shouts angrily.

~*~

Please ignore the letter that was written above unless you want to read the rantings of an insane lunatic called Elanor.

Back down to your letter, do you mean ME or You or BOTH WAYS?

(Elanor starts gagging in the background)

I wouldn't mind it when I get back to Hogwarts but I need to remind you that millions of girls want to get into my pants so you will have to be on my 235th waiting list.

As for the virginity subject, I prefer not to disclose anything but Malfoys' always act honourable until they are 16. I am 15 still... damn!

Yours,

Draco Sex God

~*~

"Gaaa.... spew... ego attack... need Ronniekins... need my insanity." Elanor is heard gagging in the background. For the first time in history, Elanor is speechless...

Well almost.

Draco? Sex God... Har humrph...

~*~

Dear Draco,  
I think you suck. How DARE you call Hermione the ever-wonderful-brilliant-top-of-the-class-genius a mudblood? You definitely deserved it when she hit you, back in Third year. Anyway, why I'm writing a question to save you, I don't know, but here goes: Do you know Lauren Hird? I think you and she would get on very well: both evil, both Slytherins, both bullies, both death eaters; I think you should marry her, rather than Mary Sue.  
HermioneFan

~*~

Dear Mudbloody Wannebee,

I do not suck. I rule Hogwarts and the world in more ways than one million. What did you call that pathetic Mudblood again? Ever wonderful? It seems to me as if you are the most vilest loser I have ever seen. Mudblood Granger is hardly an excuse to live and the only reason she studies so hard is because she has no life. Even dirty-faced Weasel would agree with me there. Thank you for writing a question to save me but I prefer not to have your help.

Yes I do know a Lauren Hird but unfortunately, she is much too young and inexperienced for me. I am very flattered that you praised me so high. Indeed, I always thought I was a evil, Slytherin bully and death eater. Th Malfoy blood runs proudly in my veins.

I am not marrying Mary Sue. I am pretending to marry here so Pansy can leave me alone. Do you get that? Besides, from all that I've heard of on Mary Sue, she seems too 'I know many dark secrets' for me.

From Greatest Draco ever alive.

~*~

Konk! It seems the frying pan has made a speedy recovery back to chapter 6. Draco has collapsed again... And Elanor does not care whether he has lost twenty of his brain cells in the process.

That one's for Hermione.

KONK!

That's for Ronniekins!

KONK!

And that's for world peace! 

KONK! KONK! KONK!

~*~

Dear Draco,   
  
Why do you always smirk? Do you have the ability to have any other facial expressions or is that beyond you? I also want to know why you think your so wonderful. I mean your not. Don't get me wrong, Im not saying that the Weasel and Potter and all there friends are wonderful, their idiots, but your not all that wonderfull either. I prefer Slytherins to Gryfendors anyday. I just don't like you for some reason.

Quiet One.

~*~

Elanor is very quiet all of a sudden. "Maybe knocking Draco senseless was not such a good idea after all...

Fortunately, Draco wakes up again as Elanor finds out that he had cast a Prevention-of-frying-pan spell on himself just before he wrote the letter.

~*~

Dear Quiet one,

I smirk because I enjoy making all those shiny-eyed disillusioned Gryffindors cry. I have many wonderful facial expression- such as sneering and glaring. I reserve my smirks and glares and evil stares just for those annoying people in Hogwarts- like you for instance.

I agree that Potter and Dirty Faced Weasel and Mudblood Granger are pathetic. How nice that we share at least one similar opinion. I prefer myself to Gryffindors any day too. And for your information, I am wonderful- wonderfully evil, sinister and loyal to the Dark Lord. I am very good-looking, rich and brilliant at quidditch. 

You don't hate me because I'm beautiful, you hate me because I'm better than you.

Draco Lucius Dominus Julius Malfoy.

~*~

"You made up those middle names yourself." Elanor exclaims indignantly.

"They make me sound powerful."

"Yeah, what do you want to be called Draco? Julie for Julius?" Elanor asks, giving a Draco smirk.

Draco gulps and quickly tries to erase that last part.

~*~

Hello Draco!  
  
I have two questions.   
  
1.) I've been following this story for a while and I wanted to know if crazy Elanor is EVER GOING TO UPDATE THIS STORY AGAIN!!! Please excuse the over use of capitals but its been a long time.  
  
2.) Also, I wanted to know if "To Kill a Crazy Eleanor" is a book worth reading. It sounds it, but you never know.

~*~

Dear Quiet One, 

In answer to your two questions, I know Elanor has been very slow in updating this story again. I think she deserves death and then death again when she resurrects.

(Elanor in the background sobbing: I can explain! I can explain).

Apparently, she tried to lie and tell me that something is wrong with her computer and that she can't log into Fan Fiction. And she only recently discovered she could log in, not at home but in the library.

That's what muggles do: blame their computers when they are wrong.

Also, To kill a Crazy Elanor has been changed. It is now called To kill a mocking Elanor. The producers said this was something to do with a cute play with names of a muggle book. Don't worry, I think they are insane too. The book is worthy of a Nobel prize. I will share with you some of my knowledge later.

From Draco!

~*~

"So it's plain Draco now is it? From Draco Lucius Dominus Julius Malfoy to just Draco? Amazing how the signatures on two letters can vary." Elanor mutters scientifically.

"It's Draco with an exclamation mark," Draco retorts hotly.

~*~

*giggles maniacally, then stops as she hears draco insulting ronny, starts writing a letter to draco,*  
  
"Dear Draco,  
HOW DARE YOU INSULT RONNY? LEAVE HIM ALONE! POTTER IS THE ONE WHO IS STUCK UP AND FULL OF HIMSELF.  
  
Anyway, you are so rude and evil. Hope you are stuck with elanor for the rest of your evil, death eater life! Have a nice day!  
  
~Ink Of The Shadows~  
AKA  
SPILLED INK FROM RAVENCLAW......RON IS THE SUPREME BEST!

~*~

Dear Spilled Ink,

I insult Dirty faced Weasel because he is worthless and a stupid sidekick and made out of nothingness. But you are right about Potter. He should have been 'The boy who almost lived but was killed by the wonderful all rich Draco Malfoy.' Potter is so stuck up and thinks he is so good and loyal and other vomiting stuff like that.

I will not leave Dirty faced Weasel alone. He is so dirty you can't leave him alone. No wonder he's too poor to buy water to wash his face.

I take it as a compliment that I am so evil. 

What did you say? You! YOU INSULTED THE MALFOY NAME IN THE WORST WAY POSSIBLE. I WILL NOT BE STUCK WITH ELANOR FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! IT IS THE ONE INSULT MALFOYS CANNOT BEAR. 

Ron is the supreme poorest.

Draco from Slytherin.

~*~

BAMN!

Once again, the frying pan is back again.

"How dare you insult Ronny?" Elanor shrieks like Mrs. Weasley.

Hey, Draco's not unconscious...

"It's the prevention-of-frying-pan- spell I learnt it charms. Muhahaha!" Draco answers smugly.

"Ahhhhh!"

Elanor sees the only other way out of this.

"All the readers, let's vote on what colour robes Ronniekins would wear to look the sexiest!"


	7. Chapter 7 : Reviews 20 to 23 and Why not...

Author's notes: Today's the day when we talk about how Fan Fiction screwed up on Elanor.

Draco's note: Stupid muggle excuse. Elanor's probably lying...

Disclaimer: I'd hate to be a disclaimer writer- by the way- Rowling's!

Chapter 7 : Reviews 20 to 23 and Why not to call Draco Blondey

So, another day and another eventful event is about to happen...

"What's that going to be? You saying something intelligent for once in your life?" Draco sneers. Elanor wonders if his facial expressions ever get tired. 

"They don't, actually," Draco sneers (!) yet again.

"You mean they're fake and made from metal," Elanor asks. "Ah ha! I always knew it. The way your face goes kind of funny in that movie- must have been the fake jaw not working properly."

"THEY ARE NOT FAKE JAWS, YOU INSOLENT FOOL." Draco exclaims very angrily. "Besides, it's not me in the Harry Potter movie. It's an actor called Tom Felton YOU DUMB FOOL."

You would have thought that Draco would have got tired of screaming at Elanor. This is really because Elanor tunes off into 'Ronniekins world' almost 24 hours a day... If you take a peek into Elanor's insane brain, you will find that Ronniekins world is a world full of gnomes and Ronniekins asking Elanor or Hermione to marry him. Today, because Elanor's Ron/Hermione ship side of the brain is acting very strong, Ron is marrying Hermione in Ronniekins world.

"That's not fair." Elanor exclaims and starts sulking to her Ron/Hermione ship side of the brain.

"Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness," Draco mutters matter-of-factly. 

"And singing to yourself is the second sign," Elanor exclaims, and starts to sing a Wacky Wacko's song to herself.

"Ahhhh... my ears, they're burning," Draco exclaims and ducks under the cushions. He then finds his 20th letter.

"What was this doing here Elanor?" Draco demands angrily. "Think you were going to sabotage me and hide my letters, did you?" Draco muttered very accusingly.

"What do you mean they weren't chocolate wrappers?" Elanor asks, very confused.

Draco rolls his eyes, glad that he only has another 77 reviews before he can leave this insane world!

~*~

Draco,  
Okay listen up. I'm evil and hate Potter as much as you do. So do you want to go out with me? I live in America but I'm going to be in Britan for a year. If you go out with me I'll get you out. I know the girl who kidnapped you and I'll get you out. All you have to do is say yes. *smirks* Sounds like going out with me is the best choice you have.  
Pureblood

~*~

"Allelaljuhie! I am saved!" Draco shouts to the wind happily.

Elanor rolls her eyes. "It's Halleluiah not Allelaljuhie. Besides, weren't we going to do the operation 'MARYSUE BASH PANSY' when you get back?"

Draco's heart drops. But only for a second as his eyes light up again and he picks up his quill and writes...

~*~

Dear Pureblood,

I am very flattered that you take such a liking to me. I can't blame you of course, no one resists the Malfoy charm. (Sounds of fake vomiting noises in the background). No one hates Potter as much as I do. He is the lowest scum even to tread upon the Earth. But if your hatred comes a close second, I'll be very interested in what you have to offer.

As for being evil, you must prove it. Actions, not words, are what the Malfoy family take into consideration. I suggest you offer your allegiance to the Dark Lord right now. Come back when you have the Dark Mark burning on your left shoulder. (Elanor starts poking Draco's sleeve but unfortunately, does not see an evil ugly monkey's shrivelled black face on his arm. "I was going to get it done just before your cloud kidnapped me. And it's called a Dark Mark!" Draco shouts.)

As I said, I am very flattered that YOU want to go out with ME. Of course I will graciously give you a go. I do not know where America is except Elanor told me that it is the Land of Mary Sue. But of course, no one listens to her. ("Oi," Elanor exclaims very angrily.)

So when you come to Britain, enroll yourself into Hogwarts and I look very forward to meeting you. If you can pass the sorting hat Slytherin test, that is. Are you sure you won't get sorted into Hufflepuff? Who knows where you really belong... (Draco smirks here.)

A Malfoy never runs out of choices. If I don't say Yes, I can wait for another 77 reviews, which I am sure Elanor has hidden away somewhere. Besides, I already lied to Pansy about my 'wedding'. So when I get out, I'll still need Elanor's help with the Mary Sue. 

My decision is Maybe, if I feel like it. You should be very flattered by this answer, which I am sure you are.

Written by,

Draco Malfoy

~Through evil, we gain power~

~*~

"What's that last line thingy?" Elanor points to it as she reads from behind Draco's shoulder.

"You mean our family motto?" Draco replies smugly. "Through evil, we gain power."

"Should be ~Through kissing Moldie Voldie's shoes, we hope he gives us power." Elanor replies equally smugly.

"WHY YOU..." Draco hisses angrily. "Wingardium Levi-O-sar," he mutters and points his wand at Elanor.

Elanor suddenly finds herself flying in the air. "Weehoo," Elanor exclaims happily, "I can fly." She flaps her arms awkwardly in the air unaware of a very nasty smirk on Draco's face.

THUD!

Suddenly, Elanor finds herself crashing on the floor. "WHY YOU LITTLE EVIL MALFOY," she screeches. Unfortunately, Elanor gets very dizzy from the fall. "Oh look, dancing pixies," Elanor giggles and tries to catch something in the air.

However, after another second or so, Elanor recovers. And Draco groans.

"Do you know this Pureblood person?" Draco asks Elanor after a while. 

"Ummm... maybe I met a Mrs. and Mr. Pureblood in America and they had a daughter named Pureblood Pureblood." Elanor shrugs her shoulder.

~*~

Simply adorable!

Green Fairy (lightbug@yandex.ru)

~*~

Elanor and Draco stares at the letter in shock. "This has to be the shortest letter in history." Draco mutters.

Elanor is still gobble-smacked... "Hey, maybe Green Fairy was talking about me. I know I'm simply adorable," Elanor suddenly says happily.

"No, it's me." Draco says.

"No, It's me."

"It's me."

"It's not you, it's me."

"Me!"

"You two down there! Get a move on!" The cloud of smoke shouts angrily. "Your readers are getting impatient."

"Okay," Elanor squeaks.

~*~

Dear Green Fairy,

What more can I say than that I am very flatter that you think I am simply adorable. (Elanor is heard sulking in the background). Of course, everyone knows I am adorable. If you are interested in the Dark Legions, I can recommend you. 

From The Great and Simply Adorable One- Draco Malfoy.

~*~

"Elanor, are you still sulking?" Draco asks.

"YES." Elanor grumbles back.

"Sometimes, you just have to face reality." Draco tries to tell Elanor like a know-it-all snobby teacher a.k.a Professor Snape!

Elanor glares evilly. "I wear the Cheese. But the Cheese does not wear me," she mutters darkly, while looking at Draco.

Draco hurriedly goes to his next letter before Elanor gets any more insane.

~*~

Dear Blondey,  
  
Did you know that the name Draco is a Spartan name. the Spartans were a warrior race that showed know fear. One of the most ruthless rulers was Emporer Draco soooooooooooooo everybody hated his blooody sickening guts. Is the the same for your life?   
singed,  
Kris Hunter  
~founder of the insanity rules club~  
P.S. I am also a Slytherin and I hate Ron Weasley. I love reading Ron bashing fics espacilly if Harry is evil.

~*~

"Blondey?" Draco exclaims! "No one calls me Blondey! My father will inform Master about this!"

~*~

Dear Useless piece of garbage ("Ow, that has got to hurt," Elanor says.)

Draco is Latin for Dragon. In other words, I am named after the most powerful mythological creature ever alive. And I shall be happy to tell you that when I get a pet dragon, I will roast you alive. Insolent Fool. I wonder why you were put in Slytherin. You won't live long, that's all I can say.

I do not know that Draco is a Spartan name, but of course, I pride myself on being a strong warrior who has no fear. And when I will be the most ruthless emperor Draco, I will make sure that you have no bloody sickening guts left. You are jealous because I am the pride of Slytherin...

("Can I join the Insanity rules Club," Elanor squeaks. "You're the vice- founder, most likely," Draco mutters.) 

I am glad however that you hate the dirty-faced Weasel. I have not read any Ron bashing fics but I love bashing Ron.

From,

My name is Draco Malfoy.

~*~.

"That was mean, Draco." Elanor scolds, "Not letting me join the Insanity Rules Club, I mean."

"But he called me Blondey."

~*~

Dear Draco,  
  
I do not attend Hogwarts, but if I did I would most likley be placed in Slytherin. I just wanted to point a few things out to you. The Aurors did kill the last vampire who had conections to the wizarding community, but they left the vampires in the muggles world completly alone. I am one of those vampires. I don't want to suck your blood or anything like that, I'm not Bela Lugosi. And the other thing is that crusifixes do not stop vampires. That is an old wives tale. I hope that you get away from your capturer soon.  
  
P.S. If you even need a semi-evil vampire to help you out with anything, just call me.  
  
Yours,  
Krystal de Lioncourt

~*~

Dear Krystal de Lionsourt,

Are you French or imitating the French? Just so you know, I know a lot of French and will not be fooled by anyone. Well then, thank you for the very much needed information on crucifixes. So wearing one won't work then? Well, I'll just keep some holy bread in my crucifix then. In fact, I think there's some already in here. 

Whatever it may be, I will not eat Garlic or go near it. I thank you very much for your kind letter. I hope no one goes near you with a stake. Anyway, how do you vampires survive if you do not drink human blood then? I heard Potter's blood is very juicy. ("That plan will never work," Elanor snorts, "Potter will only turn into a vampire and live forever." Draco pales instantly.)

Forget what I just said.

Thank you for your offer and I want to tell you that the Dark Lord needs some Vampire allies very much. 

Yours, 

Draco Malfoy wearing a holy bread crucifix on around his neck just to make sure.

~*~

"Phew, that was a very long day Blondey."

"HOW DARE YOU UTTER THAT VILE SYLLABLE."

Elanor does not hear a thing because she is in Ronniekins world again.


	8. Chapter 8 : Reviews 24 to 26 and The ret...

Author's notes: Today's is another day...obviously

Draco's note: She's insane- points to Elanor who is happily eating chocolate now.

Disclaimer: Gr... You think this is mine? Not!

Chapter 8 : Reviews 24 to 26 and The return of Two greats

Elanor, today, is pretty happy because well... crazy people are always happy.

"Crazy people and Freaky uncrazy people, welcome to the 'Elanor bashes Draco and loves dear little Ronniekins' talk show. Here, we will talk about Elanor's failed Fan Fiction stories, Slashy Draco fics with Draco's own opinion and Slut! Draco and Nice! Draco and other variations..." Elanor says chirpily.

Draco has now been reduced to a crumpled heap on the ground.

"Should have left Slut! Draco to the end of today," Elanor mutters, hitting her head in frustration. "Oh why am I so dumb?"

"I call it being a idiotical moron." Draco gets up suddenly (which he's been doing a lot lately) and smirks.

Elanor doesn't quite hear what Draco says because she thought Draco was actually a Draco ghost coming back to haunt her. By the time Elanor realises Draco is not transparent, she then replies very cheerfully, "Do you honestly think Ron is dashing in Maroon?"

"I said Moron. Not Maroon!"

"Oh." Elanor mutters very disappointedly, "But do you think Ron looks dashing in maroon?" Elanor brightens up immediately. 

"NO!" Draco growls. "I wish Father was here... He would have wiped your brain out..."

"And would he have helped you make a Mary Sue?" Elanor replies, trying to blackmail Draco because she and Draco are in a plan to get rid of Pansy Parkinson...

"Of course," Draco replies, "Father can do everything."

"Even bring Moldie Voldie back to life..."

"HOW DARE YOU DISRESPECT OUR DARK LORD, INSOLENT MUGGLE!"

"Okay, I'll shut up for a while," Elanor says. Of course, Elanor never keeps any promises. Which is a good thing because Elanor promised Hagrid one thousand giant squids for his birthday. Hagrid had thought that the giant squid in Hogwarts needed company and Elanor had agreed.

"One day Hagrid, when I buy my own little butterfly net, I'll catch you the squids. Right now, I hope you've forgotten about them all." Elanor says.

"Talking to our selves are we again?" Draco sneers.

"Of course not," Elanor exclaims indignantly, very much like Bridget Jones, "Why would I talk to myself. Isn't Draco simply crazy, Elanor?"

No sneer is needed for Draco to prove his point.

Draco sneers.

"I said no sneers are needed for you to prove your point." Elanor says grumpily. "Go and eat beetle dung."

Draco sneers.

Elanor sulks and sits in a corner planning World Dominance and hoping that George Bush will not find out and start bombing her to a stone head.

Draco sneers.

"Get on with the story, Draco." Elanor groans, getting very impatient and also worried that George Bush has thought vibes which can pick up her plans of World Dominance.

"I was just proving my point." Draco smirks. "I'm more intelligent and mature than you Elanor." Draco looks over at Elanor and realises that Elanor has suddenly started fighting away an imaginary George Bush and his hoards of George Bush posters very much like 1984 and Big Brother.

Draco sighs, "Why do I even bother?"

He then picks up his 24th letter.

~*~

Dear Draco:  
  
I admire you, I really do, mkay? Evilness rocks! Hahahaha. Sorry.  
  
Have you ever read a fanfiction where you DIED? Did it make you angry? Hahaha...guilty...  
  
And also, do you like Sum 41?? Hahahahaha...  
  
Ciao!  
  
-S.R.  
  
Heehee, this is funny.

~*~

Dear S.R which stands, in my belief, for Silly Rubbish,

But then again, you do admire me don't you? And you think that evil shall always prevail? Well in that case then, you're silly initials shall be excused. I find it deeply disturbing that you use the word 'hahahaha' too many times. Maybe you should think over your mental state of health for a while.

In any case, I do not want you to be like Elanor... (At which Draco shoots another glance at Elanor where she is pretending to shoot imaginary pies at aliens. "But they're real," Elanor protests when she sees Draco looking at her...)

People like Elanor- lunatics on the loose- are very disturbing to the general public. Like that mad axeman Bloody Sirius Black for instance.

I do not read Fan Fiction as I do not want to travel into the depths of the muggle mind and see what they do for enjoyment... WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIE? I, LORD OF THE HOGWARTS EVIL SLYTHERINS DIE? When those writers meet me, I shall burn them into a crisp ("Like crispy bacon or crispy cheese?" Elanor asks. "NONE!" Draco snaps).

What is Sum 41? I know my Mathematics very well. Indeed I am a very good student at Arithmacy. The Sum of 41 can be 20 plus 21. Or 19 plus 22 and other such numbers. I do not like spending my time counting numbers which add up to the Sum of 41. (Elanor in the background listening to "Fat Lip".)

Good bye.

Mr. Malfoy the Privileged.

- And exactly what do you find so funny? Me being in torture and trapped here in despair, funny? Why you nasty little... Gryffindor! ("That was my worst insult I have ever given before," Draco mutters proudly).

~*~

"Hey, guess what we have planned for the rest of the day, Draco!" Elanor asks excitedly.

"Me answering insane questions and you going off to do other mental things." Draco sneers.

"I mean apart from that." Elanor replies. "We will be meeting the Two Greats again."

"You mean Father and the Dark Lord are coming over to save me?" Draco shouts happily.

"No, I mean Aylena and Quiet One." Elanor replies staring at Draco very weirdly.

Draco gasps and turns pale with shock. "Not those two insane lunatics. Not them again."

"Yep, it's them." Elanor then turns to an imaginary audience and explains that Aylena and Quiet One have been sending the most letters and henceforth received the titles The Two Greats. Of course, Elanor originally wanted to name them the Two Brats but did not want to lose any readers or reviewers for fear of angering them.

"And here is Aylena!" Elanor introduces.

~*~

That just shows how little you know. It's called the Crutiatus curse. Crucio is the spell that you say to preform the spell. Every decent Slytherin knows that. I have been leaving Crabbe and Goyle alone. I wouldn't waste my time on them. I merely commented that you shouldn't run to your father. Personally, I think your plan with Mary-Sue will work, just because she's so stupid. I do have to ask where your going to find this Mary Sue. I am not jealous of your image and never would be. I hate to inform you, but since your disaperace, your social status has dropped considerably. Your father is not more loyal to the Dark Lord then mine in any way, shape, or form. No, Weasel doesn't curse me almost every day, I curse him almost every day. My deuling skills are perfect, and I could beat you any day, you just don't want to belive it. As for hexing Potter, I though you wanted me to leave him for you? If not just tell me and I'll be glad to go and curse him. Also the next meeting of Death Eaters has not yet been announced, yet I imagine it will be within the next week or so.  
  
Aylena

~*~

Dear Aylena, 

I thought that I had got rid of you for good but no! I guess life is never perfect. For you, that is. I am perfect in every degree down to the last particle of matter in my glorious being. And for your information, I call the Crucio curse the Crucio curse because just by saying the name, I can cast a person into oblivion. (Draco turns and looks for a innocent victim. Elanor whimpers and hides under the box of eaten Chocolate Frogs.)

I am glad you have left my goons alone and I want to say that they do not want to associate with the likes of you either. I do not run to my Father- I go and ask him for helpful advice. I suppose you are just jealous that your Father does not as much influence over Death Eaters and the Ministry of Magic AT THE SAME TIME. Pansy is so stupid she would believe me if I told her to jump over the Gryffindor Tower. 

My social status never drops. It is already so high that nothing on Earth can taint it to the slightest degree. People everywhere, especially my fellow Slytherin- you are a misfit among us- admire me and how I manage to bear with the craziest and most dangerous Fan Fiction Writer of all time.

My Father is most loyal to the Dark Lord. I didn't see your Father present at the meeting where the Death Eaters gathered to watch the rise of the Dark Lord yet again. Or is your Father called Avery? Even Potter realises who my Father is.

You believe what you like about your pathetic duelling skills. So far, Weasel and Potter have not been hurt as far as a pinch yet. Are you sure you are holding a wand, not a twig? I realise that you do not know the difference between these two and will try to be patient with your stupidity... You can hex Potter- I just want to kill him. And make him suffer...

I am very impatient for the next meeting. Tell all death eaters I need to be rescued.

Draco Malfoy- Fellow Death Eater in Capture.

~*~

"That's no way to treat one of The Greats," Elanor exclaims, feeling very shocked. 

"Shut up or I'll eat your chocolate coated peanuts." Draco raises his eyebrows menacingly.

"Not the Peanuts, I'll tell you anything." Elanor exclaims in the manner of a tiny defenceless Gingerbread man.

~*~

I agree that when something is wrong, Muggles always blame it on their computers. I agree with you about Elanor's fate. Also I think I'll have to pick up a copy of that book. If it's worthy of a Nobel Peace prize then it must be good. Another thing. I don't hate you cause your beutifull, And your not better then me. I also like the exclaimation mark after your signature. Nice touch.   
  
Quiet One. (I just use a period)

~*~

Dear Quiet One, 

I agree with you. Elanor is very pathetic when it comes to excuses. ("Listen to me. I can still explain. I can explain." Elanor wails in the background.) It's very sad to see millions of stupid muggles blaming their computers and Fan Fiction. I don't see anything wrong with Fan Fiction. 

'To Kill a Mocking Elanor is a very recommended book to read. When I shall rise in my Death Eater's status, I shall put it on the 'to-read' list. Here is an extract from the book:

When seeing a crazy Elanor approaching you in lunacy, always keep in mind that crazy Elanor loves Dirty-faced Weasleys very much. So, as a very foolproof way to kill Elanor, simply make an imitation Weasley figurine and put a time delayed death curse inside it. Then, give this fake Weasley to Elanor and make sure the red hair is red on the scale of 10. Wait a few seconds, run for it and if you are extremely lucky, Elanor might die. However, if Elanor does not die, she will be so heart-broken that 'Weasley' died that she will die of a broken heart.

A very brilliant book, written by a very brilliant anonymous author.

I am very better than you.

Very much. I am glad you like the exclamation marks.

Draco Malfoy...

~*~

Draco writes his last letter for the day than reads the last part in shock. "Elanor, what's a period?"

Elanor looks er... very Elanory, "And why do you want to know?"

"Because Quiet One says she likes using Periods."

Elanor bulges in her seat. You see, in America, they call full stops periods. But in England, where Elanor and Draco are from, Periods are quite a different thing... Very different thing indeed...

"What? Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" Elanor screams in horror... "Periods? As in the you-know-what-thingy?"

Draco looks confused for a while because he is a boy and does not go through the tortures but then he gets it too. 

"Ahhhhhhhh!"

It is impossible to tell who screamed the loudest.


	9. Chapter 9 : Reviews 27 to 30 and Draco f...

Author's notes: A word to all lovely people-warning slash!

Draco's note: What's slash? Is it this: / ?

Disclaimer: A disclaimer is a thingy that I write.

Chapter 9 : Reviews 27 to 30 and Draco first sees slash

Elanor is learning to do her Mathematics homework today. Unfortunately, Elanor never ever does her Maths homework so today, she has to do everything she's not done for five months...

Indices... Surds... Algebra...

Death...

Boredom...

You name it, Elanor hasn't done it for her homework.

"The correlation and law determination of logarithms as the definition of exponential graphs? Or don't tell me you don't know what that is." Draco asks smugly.

Elanor gives Draco a funny glare and sees in her head a bright neon banner in front of Draco's head saying 'Freaky Nerd'.

Elanor then shakes her head and talks to her audience- you people. "Okay today, Elanor is loaded with many scary Maths monsters and unfortunately, Harry Potter is away praying in a monastery. Therefore, Elanor has to combat her scary Maths exam later on this week by herself."

"Ha," Draco snorts in glee, "Serves you right that you are going to fail this maths exam."

Elanor glares evilly at Draco. "Meanie Carrot," she mutters under her breath.

Draco does nothing except sit on his desk smirking . Next to him, there is a badge which Draco enchanted to say: Fail Stinky Cheese Elanor, Fail and then to: Fat Potter is a monk.

"I think another letter has come." Draco replies smoothly, while Elanor is in the background screaming and twisting her hair in fury. Yells of I will not fail my maths test can be heard in the background.

"You just do that," Elanor replies and her eyes glint evilly as she takes up one of her fan fiction manuscripts, which just happens to be "That I must love a loathed enemy".

"And afterwards, I can so you my first slash fiction... Muhahaha."

Draco looks puzzled because he has do idea in the whole world what slash is! Which would be a relief to all the girl Draco fans of the world.

~*~

Dear Draco  
  
I pity you very greatly, and hope you come out of Elanor's crazy, not to mention scary mind in one piece. Your torture must be great, wonder why your master hasn''t saved you yet? Anyway down to my question, I've been recently surfin the net checking it out for the best Fan Arts of well you. Anyway I found very nice one in my opinion yet I would like your opinion on it check it out at - 

http://potterism.tyrotinge.com/ {ok to get to the art thingy is simply to the square with A in it closet to the bottom {it will come up as art work} click it when you in that section go 5 thumbnails across and on down and it school come when your mouse is over the right piccy have in a little rectangle, 'Draco with alcohol'' click on it} then tell me your personal opinion.  
  
Lastly a few comments to the other people out there death to you all! Especially Potter, Weasley, Granger all Gryffindors, Fan Fiction writers {expect me} and Elanor too! {of course not u Draco}  
  
yours not truly,  
  
T J Hamilton

~*~

Dear T J Haminlton,

My torture is very great indeed and I thank you for sympathising with me. My master has not saved me yet because he is a very busy person. Dark Lords have many people to kill, you know.

What is Fan Art? Anyway, Elanor dragged me off to that muggle page thing after we clicked on some weird words. And after much fighting over the the muggle net (or something like that), which I must say that I am now better on than Elanor, we got there. 

It was like a mirror- ah my perfection was expressed very well. Although I am always more perfect than the masterpiece, this one was good. I liked my style, my attitude. Except I'm not sure about the green umbrella. I don't think those small green umbrellas are big enough to block the rain.

I sent another owl off to mother to show her the portrait of her in the background. I'm sure mother will be very flattered. It portrays her so well.

I agree with you- death to POTTER and Elanor and Dirty faced Weasel.

Yours, never truly,

D.L. Malfoy

~*~

Draco is now standing in front of the mirror posing to himself at any angle. He tilts his nose, does a sneer, turns his head slightly and then does all this and that.

And you thought girls were vain.

"I am not vain." Draco snubs in, "I simply like to admire beauty when I see it."

~*~

Draco -  
  
There was once a time when I would be begging you to marry me in one of these things. But not this time.  
  
I was actually wondering if you could recommend me to your Master? I mean, there's not a great deal of people more evil than me in the world.  
  
--Ducky  
  
PS. Please do not comment on the name. It's all a disguise, so people can't tell that I'm evil.  
PPS. In your position, I'd hex her into oblivion.

~*~

Dear Duck Sorceress (Elanor restrains herself from laughing while Draco says elegantly, "It's an alibi stupid Elanor.")

I am glad that you do not ask me to marry you. I only marry those who are equal to me in status, perfection, beauty and prestige. Anyway, I will be delighted to recommend you to my Master. And when you do join us, the death eaters will give you a better name to disguise yourself. 

It makes me laugh evilly when all our dark legions are going to attack the Ministry by surprise. Do you have any suggestions of what we can do to torture Fudge, the fool?

Your disguise works very well- the name gives nothing away. I on the other hand, do not need a disguise to remain rich and royal in the wizarding world. 

If I do hex Elanor into oblivion, I would be trapped here forever. An oath is very important. They can only be broken in secret. And Elanor is reading this over my shoulders right now...

Ouch!

Yours evilly,

Draco Malfoy- resident evil.

~*~

"So you wanted to hex me into oblivion?" Elanor asks threateningly. "Well then take this Draco. Enjoy yourself."

Draco picks up a manuscript of "That I must love a loathed enemy." He flicks through the pages. At first, Draco starts to read about his own feelings and how he hates Harry Potter.

"I like it," Draco sneers as he reads the part where he wishes Harry dead.

But the feeling does not last long...

"Ahhhhh!" 

It seems that Draco has got his first ickle taste of the slashy world.

~*~

Funny.  
  
Sure, go ahead and dye Draco's hair red. I'd love to see his reaction.   
  
What does the HuffleWump - and isn't it hufflump? have to do with anything? *mad grin*

~*~

Dear Morbane,

I must tell you that all this is not funny in one degree. You vile sadist creature. Elanor will not dye my hair red. It's is perfect as it is. Has it ever occured to you that no hairdresser in the whole world has my hair colour in a bottle?

I am too rare and my looks are too perfect to be captured. 

I do not know what a HuffleWump or Hufflump does. Elanor says she thinks she spelt it wrong and that she loves a Pooh. But I think you are both crazy.

Please excuse me while I vomit again. I hate slash. Potter? Argh! Evil!

Draco.

~*~

Sounds of pretend vomiting, paper burning (Draco mutter Fireacio after he read the end of Elanor's first chapter), torture and Draco's screams can be heard for one or two hours.

Draco finally speaks on his first experience of slash.

"WHAT DO YOU SAD SAD SCARY SICK AUTHORS HAVE TO DO ELSE THAN HAVE ME AND POTTER LIKE EACH OTHER? URGH! ARGH! MY MATER SHALL DESTROY ALL YOU VILE PEOPLE! DIE! SICK MINDS! SICK ELANOR! SLASH IS FOUL!"

Elanor grins evilly. "I told you I was going to do something the next time you annoyed me."

"BUT THIS? THIS IS VILE AND MURDEROUS! YOU SICK SICK SICK ELANOR!"

~*~

Käära Draco,  
Har du nåågonsin funderat påå att besööka Sverige? Häär lever näämligen den ondaste varelse som existerat sedan tidernas begynnelse, ÅÅke Ohlmarks. Föör öövrigt vill jag meddela att du äär en av de kääraktäärer jag tycker bääst om, undantaget Remus Lupin.  
Kan du lääsa det häär brevet ska jag se till att du fåår Nobelpriset.  
/Alishandre av Sverige

~*~

Dear /Alishandre av Sverige, 

Unfortunately I cannot understand Swedish because my translator is not with me at the moment. The cloud forgot to kidnap him.

I hope your English improves much- it is already good, and yes, To kill a Mocking Elanor is a Nobel Prize. It is a fantastic book full of gore and dead Elanors.

I do not like Remus Lupin- I think he is a stupid werewolf who should have been shot dead.

I hope that Vampires do not exist- even though some crazy people claim they are vampires.

Do you watch JAG? Elanor loves it. I hate it so much- it's foul and too mugglely!

From Draco Malfoy.

~*~

Draco Malfoy will be denied any comment for some time as he is suffering tremendous shock at his first taste of slash. However, the boy has to find out that there are more serious slashers who write, shall I say, him and Potter shagging.

"AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"


	10. Chapter 10 : Reviews 31 to 35 and Crumpl...

Author's notes: *Little midgets start singing.* Oh Great Elanor, can't you see. How much you are crazy.

Draco's note: *Bashes little insane Elanor midgets out of the way.*

Disclaimer: *Little midgets run from Draco to hide under thick pile of disclaimers.*

Chapter 10 : Reviews 31 to 35 and Crumpled Cheese Eater CCE

We all know that in Rome, we must wear little togas and speak in dramatic tones like that of Mark Antony. Well, in Elanor's crazy place, we all know that the only nice cheese is the cheese that is very cheesy. Like a cheese, but not as smelly.

Because if cheese is smelly, then Elanor might as well as have called herself Elanor Odd Stinky Old Cheese. 

"You really shouldn't give yourself ideas Elanor." Draco sneers yet again. "Who knows when the St Mungo's institution for the mad might cut their waiting lists for you." 

"Do you think Ronniekins will visit me there everyday if I go?" Elanor asks, her eyes suddenly bright.

Draco sighs and turns to poking Elanor paintings of a demented piece of carrot.

Carrots are very important, you know. Why, our Ronniekins' hair is the colour of one. 

Suddenly, Ronniekins pokes his head into the cloud and says indignantly, "Is not." He then vanishes away before Elanor has the chance to hug him and keep him in her wardrobe.

"Hey! How did Ron just do that?" squeaks a piece of cheese. 

Elanor and Draco stare at the cheese-yellow and chunky- and scream in unison. 

"It talks, the holy cheese of Hogwarts." Elanor cries out in alarm and bows her hand and fingers in shame. "Oh I am not worthy of you, oh stinky cheese."

Draco, for once, is crazier than Elanor. "Oh Dark Lord and Master, I knew it was you who came and saved a lowly servant. Master, I thank you for my deliverance and I will serve you faithfully." See what I mean?

"The cheese is actually very nice." The cheese squeaks again. Or, rather the fat mice under the cheese.

Elanor gets up and goes into a humming song while Draco bangs his head on the wall shouting, "Oh Dark Lord, please come and get me out. Why? Why? Everyday I go through the same torture."

"Do you know cheese has holes?" The mouse says and chews on another cheese crumb.

~*~

he he he he he!!!  
"You are so cute and evil when you growl, Dracokins."

From Julie

~*~ 

Dear Julie,

I think you are a very vile and sadist person if you actually enjoy something Elanor writes. As for the 'You are so cute and evil when you growl Dracokins', I am not. 

When I growl, all should tremble down in respect to me. All should bow and acknowledge their thoughts to I, their supreme Master and ruler. 

As for Dracokins, I am not Dracokins. I am Draco O great one. Or Malfoy. Or Draco Malfoy.

Never the Dracokins! You mock my name.

From O Great One Draco who pardons you vile sin just once.

~*~

"Umm, Draco." Elanor asks Draco mildly as he finishes his letter with a flourish and then puts is gold quill calmly on the table. 

"What?" glares Draco, hating any reminder of the sort at the Dracokins incident. 

"I don't think that er... was really a letter." Elanor stammers.

It takes Draco only a second to let everything fully sink in. Even the mouse- which has now been called Crumpled Cheese Eater or CCE- is hiding in Elanor's old jumper.

" WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT I HAVE ANSWERED A WORTHLESS THING FOR NOTHING? WHAT IS THE MEANING OF ALL THIS?"

Elanor tries to hide in her old jumper with Crumpled Cheese Eater as well but the mouse pushes Elanor away. "You're too fat for us to fit in both," squeaks CCE.

Elanor finds that there is no way to end this but to let Draco have it his way. "Okay Draco. I'll let you have that review as a letter anyway. So you've just got 69 more to go. And to make it better for your royal pain in the neck and somewhere else, I'll put it up as an official rule that no one can call you Dracokins."

Draco does a death eaters dance, which is really wild evil laughter and mad screaming and bunny hoping in a circle.

~*~

Dear Draco,  
You stupid little brat!! Where are you?!?! Tell me your location this instant!!! The Dark Lord needs to see *both* of us. He has a very important mission for you that involves getting rid of Potter.  
Love from your Daddy,  
Lucius Malfoy

~*~

Rule one of Elanor's crazy rule book with CCE- Crumpled Cheese Eater- the mouse:

You shall not call Dracokins Dracokins otherwise CCE will have to eat your crumpled cheese.

"I think you should put a stricter penalty in, like death or slow torture during the process of death." Draco adds in, with the air of a spoiled brat. Which he is of course.

Draco glares evilly at Elanor and opens his mouth to retaliate. That is, until he reads his next letter.

Draco's paleness is rated 9.67 on the scale of 10. Or maybe 9.68, as awarded by the English judge.

~*~

Dear my most reverenced and highly regarded Father,

Please accept your son's most humble apologies. Father, I am mortally stuck in a place worse than the nine shades of hell. I am stuck in a place full of insanity. Oh please gracious father, tell the Dark Lord to come for me. I am deeply ashamed that I have not been at the use of the Dark Lord for a while.

This is my muggle location, which I asked Elanor for:

13 Dumpty Dum Wall Burrow

Little Squirrel nut hole

Fruity chestnuts Park

England

I am not too sure of this location as Elanor, my evil captor is giggling at me in the background. I hope for the best Father. Please tell the Dark Lord that I obey his every beck and call and when I get out of this hell-hole, Potter will be vanquished.

I am also keeping contact with my fellow conspirators.

My fondest apologies and highest reverence always,

Your useless son,

Draco.

~*~

"Is this how you write to your Dad everyday," Elanor asks incredibly. "I'd hate to see the letters you write to your Dark Lord thingy then.

Draco wipes his brow from relief that he has answered his Father's letter. He then turns to Elanor and smugly replies, "The Dark Lord has better thing to do than to write letters."

"Such as," Elanor asks stupidly. CCE is eating another piece of cheese. "Stop looking at me," squeaks the mouse indignantly. 

"Such as he might come here and destroy you in insolent muggle." Draco replies and starts laughing very evilly.

Elanor is not worried in the least though. Because... well...

"I gave you the wrong address Draco. No one can find you."

Draco chokes on his own evil 'Muhahahas'. "What," he bellows and mutters a spell which bores a great hole through Elanor's JAG tapes.

"Nooooooo!" Elanor screeches in pain and fortitude.

"Do you two mind?" Crumpled Cheese Eater squeaks before curling himself into Elanor's old jumper.

~*~

Dear Draco,  
Even though I think you are the lamest character in the Potter series I can help but to feel sorry for you, being keep prisoner by that crazy Elanor and all. So I ´ve decided that this time I ´ll lend you a hand and write you a letter. Here are my questions:  
  
1) Why do you think you are so popular among us muggles? Due to your charming personality or because mugles are as as crazy as a loon?  
2) How does it feel to have a muggle beating the crap out of you at every year ´s exams? (Yes I ´am speaking about Hermione Granger getting always better grades than a pathetic pureblood like you).  
3) It ´s possible you haven ´t realized yet that Harry Potter is much better at quidditch than you are?  
5) And last: what little Dracokins wants to be when he grows up? A flatterer death eater like daddy?  
  
Hope you can go back soon to Hogwarts, surely everybody misses their favourite buffoon ( yes you ) very much.  
  
See ya.

~*~

You vile muggle! (Elanor sniggers as Draco spells vile wrong and then has to rewrite it with Wizard Liquid Paper)

I think YOU are the lamest person I have ever seen before in my entire wonderful life. I feel sorry for you that you are so incredibly jealous of the wonder ME! ME! ME! ("Am I?" Elanor asks and wonders dumbly. Draco bangs his head on a book.) Well, I have news for you, I don't need YOU to feel sorry for me. 

1) Personally, muggles have the IQ of a loony baboon. And why am I so ever loved and popular among muggles? Well, I am rich, handsome, devastatingly bad and heartbreaking and wonderfully charming. Of course, it's not like I ever wanted to be so popular. After all, who is it to blame that I am so irresistible?

2) Granger gets better grades than me? Well, I personally can't care more or less since I'm probably going to kill her when I leave this crazy place. Besides, everyone knows that I, Draco Malfoy, tops everyone in Potions. And mudbloods shouldn't even be in Hogwarts anyway. 

3) I am the best at quidditch. Harry Potter wins all the time because J.K.Rowling wants all the kiddies to have a nice happy ending in all her stories. In real life Hogwarts, Potter is always defeated by me.

4) I have told everyone not to call me DRACOKINS. There is a rule book and you have broken the rule. (CCE claps his mousey hands in joy at the prospect of eating some more Crumpled Cheese.) And what do I want to be when I grow up? A supporter of the dark side and destroyer of all pathetic low life animals- like YOU.

I detect such strong jealousy in you. It's not healthy, you know. Try being jealous of someone less perfect.

I am very popular in Slytherin. And the joke's on you. You are the buffoon.

Draco Malfoy, extraordinary good at quidditch and devastating handsome. 

~*~

There is rapid shouting and the room is mingled with many noises after Draco as replied his very insulting- but true in Elanor's opinion- letter.

CCE is shouting for the piece of cheese he gets because someone called Draco 'Dracokins'. Elanor is persuading CCE that his cheese will come and shouting because everyone else is. Draco is smothering from his pervious letter by writing 'Die Enemies of the Heir' on Elanor's wall.

It is in this midst that one of our greats make another entrance de la grand.

~*~

I am absolutly honored to be known as one of the Greats, I even have a chapter, 'somewhat' named in my honor!! Haha. Anyway, A little note: In America, a period is the little dot that you put at the end of a sentance to signify the end of a sentence.   
'To kill a Mocking Elanor' sounds like a simply splended book! If you have any more exerpts be sure to tell me.  
  
You are not better then me, and 'very better' is not correct grammer. So ha!   
  
Quiet One@#$%^

~*~

Dear Quiet One,

The chapter was named somewhat in your honour because I personally think Elanor has nothing better to do all day. If you would like to know, in this world, I am the real great. It seems that in America, there are lots of things that are very different. Perhaps Elanor was born in America too, which is why she is so crazy and loony. (Snap shot to Elanor and CCE arguing over the last piece of crumpled cheese.)

I am glad you cleared up the periods thing as you gave Elanor a clear shock. In fact, she was left screaming for a pure four hours. Needless to say, my ears did not need the pain. I am feeling very bored today and have decided to send with you another extract from 'To kill a Mocking Elanor'.

How to kill a Mocking Elanor:

Number 1933737:

Go to the shop where Elanor often buys her Chips or French Fries. From there, hide behind the turkey- shaped jam jar and when Elanor comes into the shop, quickly pour a very special mixture of Chicken Salt into her chips or French Fries. Make sure that the ingredient in your chicken salt mixture must include:

10 packets of last-last year's chocolate Easter eggs.

One very lumpy piece of soil.

A rock with a smelly face.

Two packets of Fake egg bacon with cretins.

1000000 curses and death potions.

However, if you are very devastatingly poor, an overdose of real Chicken Salt on Elanor's chips will reduce Elanor to a choking frenzy and do the trick.

Simple marvellous book. Sometimes, I think it's my only survival.

'Very better' is very correct better grammar when I say so. So there. 

Yours, evilly

Draco -At thingy sign, hash number thingy, dollar sign, percent sign and weird up arrow sign. Why on Earth do crazy muggles put a @#%^ behind their name?

~*~

"It's Quiet One again." Elanor exclaims and tries to take Draco's quill to add in another sentence that Riddle my Heart's chapter 5 is nearly finished. However, Draco rudely snatches away his golden quill and sends away his letter.

Draco stares at his quill in disgust. "Ahhh, Elanor germs!" He cries and throws away the chunky golden quill. Magically, another golden quill appears, this time studded with emeralds.

Meanwhile, Elanor is staring, flabbergast. "But that was a solid Gold quill you threw away."

Draco shrugs his shoulder. "So?" he sneers.

"Do you know how much they are worth?"

"Only 50 galleons." Draco replies smugly.

~*~

Draco (you're not Dear because personally I can't stand you),  
I have no idea why I'm writing this. Why'd I want to get YOU out of torture? By the way, Elanor seems really weird. Insane in a good way. Like my friends. And me for that matter.  
I'm a highly cynical, sarcastic and slightly evil Ravenclaw. So don't go calling me some goody-goody Gryffindor.  
My question, scum of all evil (but rich of course, as you've assured us all too many times), is the following: Is there a single molecule of you that doesn't like being on the dark side? Being on the side that sounds like something out of a really bad Muggle movie (Star Wars)?  
So that's it. I'll see you at Hogwarts, if and when Elanor decides to let you go. I might ask another question, just because your answer may amuse me.  
  
~Flamewing  
  
Oh, and Elanor--this is really funny. I like how there's actually a plot. Unlike all those OTHER advice columns...

~*~

Flamewing,

I can't stand you either so you don't get a Dear Flamewing. I agree with you that Elanor is insane... What? You think she's insane in a good way...

What's this- you're insane too...

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

What is the world coming to? Oh Dark Lord, save your servant instantly! I think I can't cope with all this madness. I am not the scum of the Earth by the way. In fact. I am the gracious saviour of the world and the supreme being of holiness. 

I am glad that you're know that I am rich- who else chucks away Golden quills? (Elanor is wistfully thinking what the Golden Quill would have meant to Ronniekins, who could have got another better looking robe.) 

For one thing, I am glad you are not a goody-goody Gryffindor. The world has too many of them and I shall be their Grim Reaper. Muhahahahahaha. 

I can tolerate Ravenclaws but you will go over that boundary. I do not like crazy insane people at all. 

I do not watch Muggle movies at all but Elanor knows something about Star Wars. Hang on. I'll ask her. (Elanor shrugs her shoulder and says the only thing she knows about Star Wars is "Luke, I'm your Father".) However, I belong to the dark and glorious evil side. We have prestige and power. We will rule over everything. Every muggle shall die. Every Mudblood shall be vanquished. 

I will definitely see you if I get back to Hogwarts. And maybe wave at you someday. I know it must be very exciting for you. Draco Malfoy doesn't just wave at anyone. 

Yours,

Draco Malfoy.

~*~

"Hang on," Elanor exclaims. "What about that part written to me?" 

Draco sighs in the matter of dealing with a stubborn two-year old child and hands over the letter.

Elanor reads the letter and smiles brightly, "Look, Flamewing says we have a plot here!"

The room is silent.

"Since when?" squeaks CCE.


End file.
